I moved onto the University of New England Biddeford Campus on August 23rd of 2019. I was so reluctant; I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing or if I was ready for such a big change. Looking back on the first few weeks there, now I can say I wasn’t ready because everything was so different. Change was something I always struggled with, but then I found my place on campus, a feeling so foreign to me and my home-body. I made friends that will no doubt last forever, connected with professors, and saw happiness start to come back to my life, but then COVID-19 changed the projected course of my first year at college. When rumors started to spread about campuses closing and sending students home, anxiety built up inside of me. To be honest, the minute the email from President Herbet came into my inbox, I was already crying. This pandemic has taken so much of myself away from me, but I’ve learned things about my community, my relationships, and myself.
Living on this campus gave me so many things that I didn’t have back at home or high school. It’s always been hard for me to believe in myself. When I stepped on this campus, I was surrounded by people who cared about me: my new friends, my resident advisor, the area coordinators, my professors. I could have bad days, or even bad weeks, and I had so much support. So much that it was hard to choose who to go to. One person in particular had helped me beyond what I would have expected before moving. Allie Bolton, my resident advisor, is the person I like to credit that gave me the strength to be here. She showed me the compassion of the community that thrived at UNE because I wasn’t able to see it myself. I was stuck in my head and told myself that I couldn’t do it, but I’m doing it now because she gave me the tools. And now that we are living at home, far away from campus, I can’t help but feel that I lost these support systems. The people who used to be with me on campus tell me that they will still be there for me even when we aren’t together, but it’s different and I know that I can be pessimistic. So I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but it still feels like I will crumble without those supports not next to me. But feeling this way, it’s made me realize that even if I feel like I’ve lost something, having a community like this one makes the simplest thing like just living a little bit easier.
I am a lover. I love fast and I love hard. Whether it be my family or my friends, my day isn’t complete without giving a hug or vocalizing my love for them. I’ve always described myself as being family oriented and close to my parents, but I underestimated how freeing it would be to be away from them. This school year I’ve spent a total of a few months without my family and now that I’m stuck at home with them again I can’t wait to get back out there. I still give an incredible amount of love to my parents and my sisters, but I’ve learned that my platonic love for my friends has become more important to my mental health than theirs. Because when my friends tell me that they love me, my heart glows a little more than when my family does. I’ve lost half a semester with my friends, but during these two weeks at home, I learned that it’s okay to prioritize friendships before family for the sake of my own well being.
It was always difficult for me to be happy with myself. I felt like I was trapped in my own skin. I didn’t notice it when it happened, but being on campus was what I needed to discover myself. I became more confident in myself. I was dressed the way I wanted to, not the way my mother wanted. I came to terms with my sexuality, finally comfortable with how I felt and who I had those feelings over. I connected myself to my ethnicity, proud to be different from most of my peers. I was finding myself and I was happy. Happy that I was me. But now I find myself hiding. Hiding because people are attacking their peers for what they look like. Burying what I found at college to be the daughter my parents wanted, not the one they actually have. I can’t be me anymore.
As sad as it feels, to reject my own self, it’s relieving to know that I have a place to be that person I discovered and that place is filled with people that will support me. COVID-19 took so much away from me, but what I’ve gained before the pandemic struck is what I’ll carry with me.
